Life sucks for me right now. Everybody seems to be slowly fading away, everybody I love. My family thinks that I'm a bad person and turning toward the "dark side." I feel like cryin so bad, but I can't cry. I haven't been able to for SOOO long. I can't take this life anymore. Anymore of this shit from people and I'm going to throw in the God damn towel. There's no point in going on anymore.

 

Everything is so fucked up. My friends can't stay together, my family is ashamed of me, everybody I love is slowly fading away. I just can't take this shit anymore. If I ended it now, it's not like anybody would give a damn. Fuck the world man, I can't take this shit anymore. Life is just too fucked up to put up with anymore. Fuck life, fuck the world and everybody in it.

 

Eh, another day gone by. Why do I even try? God, I hate life. But yea oh well..might as well try to go on. Maybe I'll find a point in living, maybe someday. I've never ever asked for anything before, but all I want and all I ask for is to be happy again. It's been so long, I forgot the feeling.

 

School is almost out. Only one week left. God, I can't wait. I have A LOT of finals to study for. So I'm gonna be workin my ass off....god i hate this.

 

Well, I just woke up so I can't really tell you how my day has gone. It's 4:30. I was up all night working on my poetry book...like a portfolio for me to keep. I was printing out some pictures of cool tats and other shit that I found. I was hella bored and I couldn't sleep. Well, guess I'll be up all night again.

 

Well, I finished all my finals. School is officially out, thank God! I passed everything, which is alrite I guess. I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do all summer. Sit around on my ass and bullshit with others.....

 

Blah, today sucked. I had so much shit to do. I broke up with my boyfriend. He's goin to prison for a year. He's leavin in 20 days. *sighs* It feels like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders anyways.  I mean, yea I still love the guy, I always will. There will always be a special place in my heart for him, simply because he was my first love. You just don't ever forget or get over your first love or what me and Nick had. Even though he did treat me like shit. The guy meant a lot to me, and he still does, but I just don't need all that shit in my life right now, I don't deserve it. He says he still loves me, but only when he comes close to losing me does he ever really mean it.  I need somebody who means it EVERY time they say it. But I've got to put this in the past. It seriously is going to be hard to get over. I'm prolly gonna cry myself to sleep tonight because of it. But, I had to do it sometime, I just couldn't keep takin that shit he dished out to me. I gotta go on, and I will. Life's a bitch, but you might as well try to go on. I'm so full of anger right now, but you know what they say, anger is just love disappointed.  

 

Well, I didn't cry myself to sleep last night. I was too tired. After I got done talking to Brandon, I stayed up for another 3 hours, just sittin in the dark thinkin and listening to Staind. I'm happier than I was before, but I'm not as happy as I want to be. I really don't think that being happy is meant for me.

 

Well, the whole week sucked. I was babysittin for my dad's friend, and that bitch had me do everything. I basically cleaned her house, I'm like a neat freak and her house was awful. Then, we went to the pool and I ended up kissin some guy I didn't even know....that was all fucked up, I don't know what I was thinkin...maybe I wasn't even thinkin. That's not unusual for me. But anyhoo, Nick is leavin in 2 weeks....*sighs* I'm happy in a way.

I'm gettin sick of this town, nothing to do or anything. It sucks ass. I think I'm just gonna leave. Yea right, in my dreams lol. I've been talkin to Brandon a lot lately. I really think I'm like fallin for him hard. It feels good though.....but the thing is I doubt he feels the same way. It's hard feelin a certain way about someone and not knowin if they feel the same way back. We're really good friends and that's prolly all he sees me as. Which, is really ok by me, I love the guy and friends or even more, he's ma fallen angel. But anyhoo, I guess that's all I got to say right now. If I think of something else, I'll write it down...or type it down should I say. I'm gonna go watch Lilo & Stitch now.

 

I can't stop crying and I need to write how I feel down somewhere. I just hate my life. My dad told me that I'm a bad person and I'm going to end up making him have a nervous breakdown. My mom, who doesn't even live with us, told me that I was just a big mistake. My friends tell me I need to get a life. My whole family seems to hate me. My ex boyfriend, who I am still so much in love with and no matter how hard I try can't get over him, is in prison and won't be out for about a year. He still loves me but damn...a year is too long. Brandon, he's like the only one who's there for me anymore. And sometimes I wonder if I'm just bothering him. I don't know....my pillow is already soaked with tears, and now the keyboard is.....god why can't I just die right now? It would be so much better that way....I wouldn't have to put up with all this bullshit. Life is so fucked up for me....I hate it...I wish I could just get out...leave it all behind. I wish I could like runaway to some deserted island, get away from all the people who make my life miserable and take a few people I care a lot about with me. I really wish that was possible. I want to runaway and find somewhere where I'm actually needed and not put down or tore down all the time. I can't take this shit anymore. I'm sick of all the criticism, lectures, and insults I get. I think I'm gonna go run myself over now....maybe it'll kill me. I wish.

 

Austin called me today. He's such a sweetheart and his little sister is so adorable. She's only 4. He treats her so sweetly too...it's so cute. But anyways, he's pretty much done with school now...which is awsome cuz then we get to hang out and stuff.

Some chick asked me out today...which kinda freaked the hell outta me. I was like what the fuck? And then this chick's friend, who's also a girl, asked me out too....I was like god damn...what the fuck is this? But anyways, Holly is gonna  be gone for 2 and a 1/2 weeks *cries* I'm gonna miss that girl. Everybody is goin on vacation lol it's not fair.

I wrote a song...it sucks but I'm gonna post it on the site anyways. I haven't written a song since I was a little girl. All my songs when I was little were like about love, and fairy tales and stuff, and now they're all about death and shit. I don't even write many songs anymore, just poems.

Me and Brandon have been talkin a lot lately. I love that guy so damn much. He's my everything hehe. But yea, I better get goin, I have to be up early...but I'm gonna post my song on this site first and maybe some other stuff...I don't know..I'll see if I'm in the mood or not. That's all for now.....Peace.

 

Well, Nick isn't goin to prison. He talked to his lawyer today and his lawyer said he doesn't have to go to prison. But anyways, Austin might be comin out in a few weeks to see me. That's gonna be awsome....

I wrote another song....it sounds like something Spineshank would write but I hate it....Spineshank could do a better job. I'll post it some other time..it sucks too much. But anyhoo, Brandon is actin all weird...I said hi to him on msn today and he just signed of..I was like ok then. But I don't know...I don't care anymore...about anything. Life can just go on without me...I'll just sit back in my little corner and write my stuff and turn cold and not let anybody get close to me.  Anyways, I've been gettin yelled at all day.....for what? I have no fuckin clue. Something about me bein "rebellious" and havein a "bad attitude"..whatever, I don't give a fuck anymore..I just sit there and stare off into space somewhere while I'm gettin yelled at...it's a lot easier than yellin back But anyways, I gotta go finish dinner. Peace.

 

God, I'm cryin again.....what the fuck is wrong with me? I guess I'm the only one who hears the tears that run down my face, I'm trying and I'm still dying to know, why the hell am I crying? Please comfort me before I go insane. Cuz I know I'm so alone, lord I'm trying and I'm still dying to know what the fuck is wrong with me...does anybody care? Why? Jesus Christ why.....I feel like my heart has been pulled out of my chest, torn into a million pieces, thrown on the ground and then walked on....it hurts so much and the tears burn. I feel like I'm falling apart. God, why can't I just die right now....I'm goin now..Peace.

 

Should I just end it? God I so want to right now....nothing is going right. My grandma told me that I should be on the streets and that I don't deserve anything...and I think I'm in love with Brandon but I don't know for sure....and for some reason it hurts...and God I don't know....I just want to die, right now, and end it all. I hate life, and I just can't take it anymore.

 

Well, Nick is goin to prison after all.....*sighs* I just don't get it....he's one of those guys I can't get over but anyways.....

Austin, well, he says he's fallin for me and shit.....I don't get it, guys keep fallin for me and I'm like there's nothin to fall for. I'm empty inside, and my heart, well, I don't even know if I have a heart anymore. I'm like numb inside. *cries* I don't know why I'm even here anymore....there is no point in going on. I had to talk Brandon out of suicide the other night, again.....he doesn't realize how much he means to me...I seriously don't know if I would be able to go on living if I lost him. I love the guy so damn much, he means the world to me. So anyways, yea, that's it for now. Peace.

 

Life sucks right now. Let's see, yesterday some guy beat the shit out of me. I was at my little sister's volleyball game and I went outside to get a soda and he grabbed my ass, I told him to back off and I guess that pissed him off so he threw me against the wall, held me there with one hand and beat me with the other. My lip is still bleeding *sighs* oh well.

I had to talk PJ out of suicide for the 3rd time this week last night. I literally thought he was going to go through with it cuz he signed off and didn't get back on....I thought it was all my fault cuz I said he was crazy so I cried all night last night.....I'm so weak right now. That's all for now I guess.....

 

I'm really confused right now. Like with Aaron.....on the 4th of July a lot of shit happened. Me, him , and Maya went up to Road Forks to get fireworks and on the way back I was sitting in the middle. Aaron was all playin with my face with his fingertips and so I reached up and took his hand off my face and he just held my hand. My arm was all stretched out across his chest and it was uncomfortabl so he dropped my hand. I thought that was it. But then my hand was down beside my leg and he picked up my hand and held it the whole way back to Rodeo. So were basically hooked up for the night. I thought that was as far as it was gonna go though. But then I went to a dance on Friday night and he was there and the same thing happened again...hand holding and hugging and dancing and stuff....and that also happened last night at the dance. So I don't know what's up with us....

 

Other than that everything is fucked up.....I hate this life and I think I'm just gonna say fuck it and get out....I can't take this shit anymore. That's all for now...Peace.

 

I haven't written for awhile. I've been going through some pretty tough times lately. I'm going out with Jeff, which I love. I mean any girl would be so lucky to have him, and I do....so I'm really lucky. Brandon has had a girlfriend so 6 months so during the time that I was falling for him I guess he kept that thing from me....so yea that hurts.

I'm happy to have Jeff though....he's really an awsome guy. He means a lot to me and I really hope that I don't lose him...I can't handle another heart break

Nick is bein the usual asshole....I found out that he has slept with 4 girls....he told me that he had only slept with one and the thing is the girl he told me he had slept with wasn't even one of those 4 girls....what else has he lied to me about?

Anywayz, that's it, fuck it all. I'm out.

Peace..